Saturday, August 29, 2009


So what is this one about?
Netflix tells us,
Picking up the pieces after their baby's tragic death, the Colemans -- Kate (Vera Farmiga) and John (Peter Sarsgaard) -- adopt 9-year-old Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman) from an orphanage, but it doesn't take long for Kate to see through Esther's angelic façade. When John brushes aside Kate's paranoid suspicions, Esther wreaks havoc on the world around her in this chilling tale from director Jaume Collet-Serra.
Now, if you've seen the preview, you know that crazy, angelic little Esther is like the demon spawn and tries to kill like everyone in the house. AWESOME! I'm buying it... aren't you?

And how much did I pay to watch?
Well, this is another one I saw at good ol' Cinema DeLux, so something like 10 bucks. But you wanna know the better part?? Oh, I will tell you.

I invited Steven to see this with me. Now, Steven knows that I like rather, um, esoteric(?) movies. So, in the vein of the Children Underground (which is one of the most amazing documentaries I've ever seen, btw) Steven assumed that a movie called Orphan was prolly just another documentary about orphans. Well, as you can see, it wasn't.

But Steven didn't know this, because he'd just gotten back from Europe and hadn't heard of it. And when we were sitting in the theatre, after we'd already paid and all that, and I said I was excited about the sweet horror movie we were about to see. And Steven was like "Um, this is a horror movie?!?!" and I was like "yeah" and he started to look really nervous. Turns out that he doesn't watch horror movies at all and clearly had no idea that this was a horror movie. So I felt both really bad that he didn't know and guilty that I had taken him and wildly amused to see him cower in fear about a crazy movie that I knew the spoiler/twist for. I knew the plot was hilarious, but he was still scurred.

Sorry Steven!!

And what did I think?
"There's something wrong with Esther"

You ain't wrong about that.

Ok, so Christine and I saw a preview for this one back in who knows when. I thought it looked pretty cool, and Mel said every scary movie takes place in Connecticut. I mean, I guess it wasn't "pretty cool" but it looked cool enough. I like shitty horror movies enough to see them all the time.

Then I stumbled upon the Videogum Search for the Worst Movie of All Time blog-dealy when I was "working" at work. And then I looked at the rest of the videogum website and I found this entry...which said
P.S. There is a possible real SPOILER ALERT here of what the wrong thing about Esther is that you need to keep secret, and DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT THIS POSSIBLY REAL SPOILER ALERT IS HILARIOUS. OK, if you're still reading: it is hilarious.
And if I wasn't so damned curious I wouldn't have looked. But the spoiler made me want to see the movie even more than when I had just seen the preview! So, because of my excitement about the SPOILER, I don't feel bad telling you the spoiler. Which is...

I know what's wrong with Esther.
She is really a 33-year-old woman who was born with proportional dwarfism which causes her to have the appearance of a child. She also happens to be a former prostitute, who had wealthy paedophiles for clients. The reason why she has her neck covered is because she was once in asylum and she struggled so much in her straitjacket that it left with her deep scars on her neck.

Are you for effing REAL!???!?! Oh, let me tell you, they weren't kidding!

This "twist" might make this horror movie one of the most surprisingly best ones I have ever seen!

The rest of the movie, other than the twist, was fairly predictable. And poor, poor, Peter Sarsgaard. You are a good actor!! How did this end up happening to you?!

So what is the rating? (out of 10)

Ok, so as I've babbled on and on about how amazingly innovative and fresh the twist was, this movie gets serious points for having something new as a horror movie twist.

Add to that, the hotness of Peter Sarsgaard and the serious hilarity of sitting next to Steven who looked like he was going to jump out of his skin the entire time and you have a super fun movie going experience!

This gets a 7 for its fun, hilariousness.

PS. No seriously, aren't you impressed with that spoiler?! Seriously. Be serious.

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