Since you've been gone...

Thanks Toothpaste for Dinner!

I must offer some profuse apologies. Or maybe not. I ran into Brunch Bird last weekend at, of all places, of course, the movies. (I was there to watch The Roommate. How was it you ask? Hysterically amazing!) She asked if I had a blog when I told her that I liked hers and I said "I do, but it sort of went defunct after watching Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." (Oh, and how was that you ask? Only the best movie I saw in 2010!) She said, "Well, it's never too late to start up again. I'd know." And she is right.

And I have seen some really worthy movies. I don't think I am an extraordinary writer, or maybe even that good, but my friends seem to enjoy it. So, back to movies. Well, all of the Swedish Steig Larsson movies were high points in my movie watching year last year. But I never wrote about them. I don't know if I ever will, but hopefully. So what has been going on with me, you ask? Well, lets do a photo run down, shall we?

According to my last post I stopped writing after I went to GA in March. Well, I went back in May. It was the epic Georgia trip. It will go down in the annals of the Georgia Trips. Well, until Lori and I go on our ten year anniversary road trip though Georgia.

Epic Georgia Adventure. May 2010.

Let's see. Then the World Cup happened, right? Well, I rooted for Germany, until they lost to Spain. That German support involved many hours at Lucky Bar and included me being interviewed at 7:30am on the CBS local news! Good thing my State Department colleagues knew I was drinking beer at 8am on a work day. Here is me and a bunch of other Germany fans after they beat Australia (? Australia, right?)

German Victory. And lots of Beer. World Cup 2010.

The World Cup era was also a celebration of new housing arrangements. I moved in May and therefore was able to acquire this little piece of toilet paper shredding heaven at the end of June. She is excellent. For the most part. Except she shreds all my toilet paper. Named after a 20th century Mexican Revolutionary, her name is

Emiliano Zapata. July 2010.

She's almost ten months old now (March 6) and is currently sitting in a reusable bag with a pair of my heels. Good work Zizzle.

August was epic because not only did I audition for the Capitals Red Rocker squad (and did not make the cut) but I also went to DISNEYLAND for the first time!!! Good god, if you haven't been there book your plane ticket now. It is the most wonderful place on earth. Even better than Niagara Falls. And I bet you never thought you'd hear that come out of my mouth!

The wonderful world of Disney. August 2010.

We also spent time with our good friend Steven while there. He took us around Los Angeles. Mel and I were re-united with high school friends. We ate at Spago. Saw the Hollywood sign (though I think we actually looked to the right to see the Hollywood sign). Saw the jail where OJ was kept. Saw a Soviet submarine. Ate Jack in the Box and had an all around fantastic vacation!!

Look to the left and I see the Hollywood sign.
Everyone here is so famous.
Including Craig Kilbourne.
I told him he looked like my grad school advisor. HAH!
August 2010

But the fun didn't stop in August. Oh no, no. September brought about three momentous events.
1. First UGA game day. We lost. Sad.

Imagine us in Game Day dresses. September 2010.

2. American Idiot on Broadway with Billie Joe Armstrong. Of course, now he is in the show for a two month run, but at the time he was only doing 8 shows. And I saw one of them!St. Jimmy died today/ He blew his brains out into the bay. September 2010.

3. Another Virginia inspired beauty. This time for my left arm.

You're looking at $300 of dogwood. September 2010.

October was confusing. Zombies invaded Washington and I was there to document it. I almost got ejected from the National Mall by the Park Service because they didn't believe I was not a professional photographer. Why? It wasn't because they saw this post and were amazed at all my photos (I took all of them except the one of Billie Joe). No. It was because he took one look at my camera and thought it was too "professional." Dude, hate to break it to you, but I'm not the only person in the city with a DSLR. Durr.

The Walking Dead invade Washington. October 2010.

In November I did play professional photographer though. I took my friends' engagement photos. I loved it. Does anyone have anything they want me to photograph? My rates are reasonable! You can email photography.jdh@gmail.com if you're interested. I am available in DC but will travel. I'm not kidding. You'll be impressed when you see my work below.

The real work. November 2010.

December was pretty standard. Heartbreak. Presents. New Years Eve in Georgia. The Caps won the Winter Classic (in your face Pittsburgh!) and the year started off more miserable than I could possibly imagine. Work upheaval. Henious sinus infection. The complete opposite of Love, Valour, Compassion. So I really needed one weekend in January to go well. Luckily the weekend I spent in New York for Mel and Barry's birthday was excellent. If it hadn't been I don't think I'd be here to type this right now. I'd still be crying in a gutter.

A new era of Hope. January 2011.

This brings us, more or less, to the present day. I tried to buy a scratching post for the cat but the pet store was sold out. It was very tragic. (UPDATE: I have secured said scratching post. VICTORY!)

But, this is neither a blog about my stupid cat nor a blog about my excellent photography skillz (though, seriously, email me if you want me to shoot something for you!), it is a blog about movies. So here, very very briefly, are my reviews of the movies I have seen since we last spoke (minus movies that weren't new to me--Dawn of the Dead, Interview with the Vampire, Titanic, Before Sunset, etc, etc, etc, etc.) And in no particular order...

The movies:

• All the Swedish Steig Larsson movies. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo--the best one of the three. I am so glad I saw the movie before I read the book. The movie was so shocking because I had no idea what was going to happen. It was the best movie I saw in 2010! The Girl Who Played with Fire-- Good. I think the book and the movie were actually pretty different. Again, I saw the movie first then read the book. The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest--The book is waiting to be read on my shelf. P.S. sweet Mohawk!
• 127 hours--very different then I thought it would be. I was actually surprisingly emotional. Go see it. Seriously. It is very good. Even though Danny Boyle annoys me. Though, I did enjoy 28 Days Later. A lot.
  
• Black Swan--overrated I think. I didn't care about any of the characters and was in fact hoping bad things would happen to them. Plus, I want to punch Natalie Portman in the face. Seriously. I did like that Frenchy though. I hope it doesn't win all sort of Oscars.
  
• Casino Jack--Erik and I wanted to go see a movie and there was nothing out. So he suggested this. It was fine. I was entertained. It was interesting to "learn" about Jack Abramoff. Plus, I like Kevin Spacey and I like drinking my pomegranate Italian sodas at E Street.
• A Film Unfinished--I saw this after I got my tattoo. Another good thing about E Street is that you can order beer there. Which I did. To stop the arm throbbing. A Film Unfinished is the footage that was recorded to make a Nazi propaganda film. The film was somewhat interesting even though nothing Nazi related seems to shock me anymore. I guess that is what you get for being a history major. Nothing in it stuck with me to this day. Just watch The Pianist instead.
• Easy A--Watched this with Lori on the last GA trip. It was entertaining. I like that Emma Stone. Her parents were ridiculously amusing and Dan from Gossip Girl was in it. What's not to like??
• Jackass 3D--I will confess, the only reason I watched this was because the boy I was crushing on worked on this movie. He was the stereoscopic supervisor. Basically, his job was to make it 3D. (You can figure out who he is on imdb) Otherwise, it wasn't nearly as amusing as I remember Jackass to be. I guess maybe I am getting too old for this? There was one though where a guy got his tooth pulled out. It made me feel like I was going to puke. So, maybe, mission accomplished?
• The Roommate--This one was a pretty recent view and I will admit it, I saw it because I love horror movies and Leighton Meester. What of it? Christ Almighty this movie was bad. If we hadn't seen it at Chinatown and had the "interactive" movie experience (ever noticed the audience at Ctown can't shut the eff up? They talk to the screen. They think it is interactive) this would have been a total waste. But by the end the reaction from the audience with the action on the screen was so hilarious that we were all dying of laughter. I imagine this was not the desired effect when they made the film.
• Up--I know. I know. How is it possible I haven't seen this yet? IDK. I watched it on Christmas, perfect movie for that day, right?! I loved it. I thought the animation was so excellent and the characters were so sweet. I was chastised though because I didn't cry at the beginning. I guess I have a stone where my heart should be?
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1--I actually saw this movie twice! Once the day after Thanksgiving and once on Christmas. Don't you just love Harry Potter at holiday time? God, I do!! This is obviously the best HP yet. Why? Obviously because they split it in two so it can be closer to the story in the book. Love love love love love it. Can't wait till the end.
• Blue Valentine--Ah yes, another E street wonder. What does it say about me, or maybe about that theatre, that anything I see there is more enjoyable than a movie anywhere else? And how do I remember that I had my pomegranate soda, resces pieces and a crab pretzel? They must pump some sort of hyper circulated air in, or something. Anyway. I liked this. It wasn't uplifting, but sometimes neither is life. Michelle Williams was way better than stupid Natalie Portman. SHE should win the Oscar. I also sort of realized I am in love with Ryan Gosling. I guess I should get in line.
  
• Catfish--OH DAMN. Seriously. This was the other best movie of 2010. I want everyone to watch it. I wont say anything about it though, because I want you to experience it with fresh eyes. After Erik and I watched this we had to immediately go to another movie to cleanse the palate of this one. It was SO GOOD!!!
• Devil--is the movie we saw after Catfish. What is with M.Night? Seriously. That guy can't make a good movie to save his life. Though. I did sort of like it. But it is really hard to tell if he is being serious or just thinks that he can make good previews and trick people into seeing his movies.
  
• Inception--Yes, yes. A worthy Oscar contender. But lets be seriously. I love Leonardo DiCaprio. I would watch him read the phone book. I love him. Love, love, love. This was good. I liked it. I should watch it again. Oh Man... speaking of Inception and Up. Watch this. It is freaking HILARiOUS!!!!! Please watch it. Please. It is so good.
  
• Let the Right One In--A Swedish vampire movie. I hear that the book is much better. Let's all just read the book, eh?
• Dead Snow--Hahahahahaha. Yes. You know this movie. It has some of my favorite elements. Norway. Zombies. Nazis. Well, Nazis aren't my favorite, but they are historical. Yes, a somewhat historical zombie movie set in Norway. It was just as bad, or as good, as you expected. I watched this on Halloween. Totally viable.
  
• Please Give--I watched this because I read something about it in Slate. The article was talking about this scene where the daughter wasn't a pair of jeans and how it was really sad and realistic. I don't know about that but I thought the movie was good. Entertaining. And the actors were quite good. And Amanda Peet was in it. Solved.
• Saw 3D--Ok. Ok. This was just like Jackass 3D. Mel and I went to see this because her friend was in it. It was awful. Just awful. But we did see her high school friend get cut in half. Classic.
• Waiting for Superman--I read something about this movie that said some of the scenes where the kids are waiting during the lotteries were actually fake. It was disappointing. I mean, I suppose what is more disappointing is that not everyone can go to school in one of the best counties in America, like I did. It is sad that people can't get quality education. I dunno that charter schools are the answer. I just wish people had more money so they could move to a good school district.
• Survival of the Dead--This movie makes me sad. This is not George Romero quality. It was just atrocious. Just so, so, so so awful.
• Rachel Getting Married--Here is the thing about this movie. It was actually pretty good. But towards the end Anne Hathaway has her hair highlighted and it was so hideous it was actually distracting. Like, I could not focus on the movie. Just ask Erik. He was there. Also, why was that family so weird? Maybe we will never know.
• Midnight in the Garden of Good And Evil--Lori and I both read this book in preparation for our Georgia Road Trip 2011. It was an excellent book. Just excellent. It teaches you so much about Georgia history and prepares you to travel to Savannah. The narration was amazing. But Christ this movie was bad. Not even Kevin Spacey and Jude Law could fix it. Message to Hollywood: Just because a book is awesome doesn't mean it will translate well to film. Please consider why the book is good (narration and the character development) and make sure you can do that in the movie. Because they couldn't do it, it made the movie not good. We both fell asleep then had to return to watch it another day. Sad.
• The Fighter--I just saw this last night. Yay for solo dates! This one was much better than Black Swan. Christian Bale should win an Oscar. Brother is scary good! I liked this one. I like that there is a character arc, and that I care what happens to them. And I am not sure, but were the sisters supposed to be funny, because hoo-boy. What was going on with them? Despite the fact it was a Thursday night and everyone in the theater was over 25 it was still interactive. Oh Chinatown.
  

The television...

• True Blood Seasons 1 and 2--Fuck I love this show. It is pretty unusual that I am interested in a show from the first episode, but I was with this one. Thanks to RaeJean to recommending it. I can't wait till I can watch Season 3.
• Peep Show Seasons 1-7--God this show is hilarious. Peep Show is a BBC production about two friends, Mark and Jeremy (though my favorite character is Super Hanz...which I thought was Super Hands for a long time). It is sort of like It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia but set in England. I discovered the show one morning when I woke up from a night out at like 5 and I needed to wash my face and brush my teeth. I turned on the telly, which was on BBC because I was watching Law and Order: UK when I fell asleep and I was absolutely hooked! It is on BBC America Saturday mornings from 4-6am... for those times when you're just getting home from the bar or are too drunk to fall asleep. Or you can watch all the episodes on Hulu. You wont regret it. It is hysterical.
• The IT Crowd Seasons 1-3--The only reason I watched this show was because it was available on Netflix view it now. The first season was really funny. The other two, not as much. It reminds me of the show within a show on Extras. What was it called? When the Whistle Blows? It has the same sort of odd BBC production values... almost like it is a fake show.
• The Walking Dead--Remember when I said the Walking Dead invaded DC? Well, these were the dead from this show. God. What didn't I like about this show? It took place in Georgia. Had Zombies. Was made by AMC. And it was one of the first scary shows I have ever watched. Other than MTV's Fear (god I miss that show) I have never actually been scared during a show. The first three or so eps of this show just made me so nervous. I loved it. The DVD comes out around my birthday. Hint. Hint.
  
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 1--To say Lori was mad when I liked True Blood would be the understatement of 2010. She was like, "those aren't real vampires. Watch Buffy. Otherwise I will hate you." So over NYE weekend we watched Season 1. I will tell you, the vampires in TB are so much sexier (ugh) than the ones in BtVS. Lori would say "They're not supposed to be sexy! They're supposed to be evil!! I hate you." So Season 1 was sort of ridiculous. The production quality was very low and the episodes were hysterical. But we made a drinking game out of it and now Season 2 is much much better. Ah, the things we do for love!

Wow. That took many days to complete. That is the full disclosure. Hopefully now that I have gotten those out of the way I can go back to updating regularly. Coming soon... (or what I have been watching, or have ready to watch...)

Glee: Season 1 (two discs left)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season 2 (three episodes left)
The Tudors: Season 4 (how did I not know this was out?! I will watch it once Glee is over)
The Social Network (waiting at home to be watched Sunday)
Mighty Ducks and D2 (purchased with an amazon card I won at work!)

and thats all for now! Welcome back.

See you at the movies. Or something. (E street. Not Chinatown)

Scream

So what is this one about?
If for some stupid, insane, inane reason, you don't know the plot of 1996's Scream, Netflix will tell you about it...

Horror maven Wes Craven -- paying homage to teen horror classics such as Halloween and Prom Night -- turns the genre on its head with this tale of a murderer who terrorizes hapless high schooler Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) by offing everyone she knows. Not your average slasher flick, Scream distinguishes itself with a self-parodying sense of humor. Courteney Cox and David Arquette co-star as a local news reporter and a small-town deputy.

Amazing.

And how much did I pay to watch?
Nothing. I actually watched this while I was visiting my beloved in Georgia. The state not the country. She is also a netflix member, because she is amazing--as is netflix--and we watched this after a night of drinking on view it now. It was pretty much the greatest decision ever!

And what did I think?
Wow. When I first saw this movie I thought my head was going to explode. I watched it when I was in middle school and I'd never seen anything so amazingly brilliant in my entire life. I am not even being hyperbolic. It seriously blew my mind! It was so surprising with the way Wes Craven used typical horror movie convention and turned it completely on it's head!!

The movie is so wonderfully quotable. So many amazing quotes. "What's the point? They're all the same. Some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can't act who is always running up the stairs when she should be going out the front door. It's insulting" and "Your mother was a slut-bag whore who flashed her shit all over town like she was Sharon Stone or something, but let's face it Sydney, your mother...was no Sharon Stone" and "Listen Kenny, I know you're about 50 pounds overweight. But when I say 'hurry,' please interpret that as 'move your fat, tub of lard ass NOW!'" It also has music that is so awesome and retro without being too much of a time warp. I listened to that soundtrack like a million times. It is hilarious to listen to a movie and be able to sing all the songs because I remember them from when I was 13.

This movie may be one of the most responsible for my love of horror movies. I don't just love slasher movies, though, I love all horror movies. This may have been one of the first ones I'd really seen by the time I could sort of understand what I was thinking about anything. It was just so incredible!!

So what is the rating? (out of 10)
Scream is just so gd clever it makes me sick! The characterization was amazing, with using horror movie cliches. And it paints an amazing picture of what was going on in pop culture in 1996.

It is amazing. It is 100% a 10.

I need to buy this on dvd like a million years ago. I have it on vhs somewhere...

Paranormal Activity

Movie poster says: "Paranormal Activity is one of the scariest movies of all time. You will be affected as it's hard to ignore the imprint it leaves on your psyche. Nightmares are guaranteed"
Julia says: disagree.

So what is this one about?
The 'flix tells us,

When Katie (Katie Featherston) and Micah (Micah Sloat) fear their San Diego, Calif., home may be haunted by a demonic presence, Micah sets up a video camera to document all the jaw-dropping, hair-raising action over a series of several nights in fall 2006. The paranormal occurrences increase in frequency and significance, leaving Katie more and more distraught -- and determined to put an end to the terror.

oooooooooh. Scary! (Don't you like that the actors used their own names? I really like it when that happens.)

And how much did I pay to watch?
Eh, some amount. I got this bad boy on Netflix. In fact, I got this to watch on New Year's Eve. (Isn't it impressive it has taken me so long to update this?! So much for that resolution of only having two movies in the Coming Soon section at one time.) We went to Ruby Tuesday--the epitome of class and sophistication--then fell asleep while watching Jersey Shore. I actually had to watch this on New Year's Day...before the NHL Winter Classic.

And what did I think?
So, what did I think. Well, one of the reasons we didn't watch this movie at Mel's house on NYE was that she is scared of horror movies. But really, she had nothing to really be that scared of.

Despite the commercials that you have likely seen (and that I see all the time on FIOS) that are filmed in night vision watching an audience watch Paranormal Activity and they are all TERRIFIED, I was not. It really wasn't that scary.

On the one hand, I think I wasn't willing suspension of disbelief enough. I wasn't into it enough to buy into the whole premise. Yes, when I think about it, if I watched video of creepy shit happening to me while I was asleep it would freak me out. For some reason though, I just didn't find myself getting very scared.

The ending was good though. Shocking, I suppose. I also enjoyed watching the alternate ending.

Paranormal Activity is not that scary of a horror movie, despite what they all say. If you watch to watch a scary movie in the similar vein, watch [REC]. Now that is some scary shit.

Paranormal Activity gets a 5.
So what is the rating? (out of 10)

The Haunting in Connecticut

So what is this one about?
Well, the 'flix tells us,

In this supernatural thriller, the Campbell family's move to Connecticut takes a mysteriously dark turn when a series of shocking paranormal events reveals that their inviting new home is a former mortuary with a sordid past. Based on a true story, this terrifying tale stars Virginia Madsen and Martin Donovan as the well-meaning Campbell parents, Kyle Gallner as their cancer-stricken son and Elias Koteas as the enigmatic Rev. Nicholas Popescu.

Sweet! Popescu, a Romanian!

And how much did I pay to watch?
Oh, I don't know. It is impossible to tell! But, let me say what I've said before... likely too much compared to blockbuster, what it was worth, etc. etc. etc.

And what did I think?
The preview for this movie was scurrrrrrrry. And the opening credits were gross, bloody, and Ring-like creepy. So I had very high expectations.

Of course, like practically every horror movie I watch, this one was shit shit shit. Typical. And I even watched it on Halloween, but that didn't add to the "ambiance" of scary movies. Harrumph. In fact, there was really nothing about this movie that was scary at all--well, besides the gross/bloody credits.

The plot was sort of overly difficult and convoluted so it wasn't very easy to understand. There was actually so much explanation for the events that were going on in the house that I 1) stoped caring and 2) stopped paying attention. So, when they said the names of like old ass dudes who used to work at the mourgue I didn't really know who they were referring to. Why couldn't they have just said "the kid" or "the owners"? Don't you like how I act like I am impressive and then say I can't even follow, nay, didn't care to follow, the assanine plot of some retarded horror movie? Yeah, I like it too.

It even had an equally predictable/typical Ring-like twist at the end! Oh, did I just ruin it? No, because you really shouldn't be watching it anyway.

So what is the rating? (out of 10)
So what does this movie get? a 2. Lame!

The Death of Alice Blue (Part of Spooky Movie-- The Washington DC International Horror Film Festival)

So what is this one about?
So, The Death of Alice Blue was screened along with four short films--Death in Charge, Thorns, Orla's Song, and Elder Song. Taken from the Spooky Movie website, here are the descriptions of all five films.

DEATH IN CHARGE – Don’t tell Mom the babysitter’s Death...The Grim Reaper is mistaken for a babysitter and learns a thing or two about life. (15m, U.S.A.)

THORNS – A gorgeous woman and an eccentric man spend a romantic evening together. The man is haunted by the memory of his past lover, and the woman’s seduction yields unexpected results. (7m, Czech Republic)

ORLA’S SONG – A sacrificed child calls for revenge from beyond the grave. (20m, United Kingdom)

ELDER SIGN – If you suffer from an overwhelming sense of dread brought on by the realization of your own insignificance in the universe, then you need Elder Sign. (2m, Canada)

THE DEATH OF ALICE BLUE - Alice Blue is a new creative intern at Raven Advertising. Unfortunately for her it’s run by vampires. A group of eccentrics enlist her aid in thwarting their nefarious schemes. But there’s a complication. There’s the possibility that she herself may be genetically predisposed to being the greatest vampire ever, and the only one who can save the dying breed. Alice is forced to confront herself and make a stand, whatever the outcome. One of the most original and exciting features that we have screened! (86m, Canada)

Ta dah!

And how much did I pay to watch?
Nothing! I was surprised that one of my old Cinema Arts friends from high school was back working at the theatre. I don't want to say too much more because I don't want to get him in trouble.

And what did I think?
Well, of the short films Death in Charge was the best. It was pretty clever. Orla's Song was ok too. Thorns was atrocious and Elder Sign was ridic.

As for The Death of Alice Blue, it was also entirely ridiculous. Probably one of the baddest movies I've seen. Not as in bad topic, but as in silly plot, silly scenery, and high camp factor.

There was an incredibly good looking actor in the film. Most of the men were ok looking--those silly Canadians. So, the actor in question was Kristen Holden-Ried. That is an actor? A male? Yes, and a good looking one. And when I got home I looked at him on imdb and realized that I knew him from somewhere else. He was in The Tudors! He was the hot one from the 1st season who died of the sweating sickness. You remember, the hot gay one! Yesssssssssssssssssss!In addition to KHR, the other high point of the movie was the single greatest line I've ever heard in a movie. The line was so great I wrote it on a post-it note and put it up in front of my desk so I can read it and chuckle whenever I want. What was the line? It was said by Alice's mom to Alice on her birthday at dinner. "My god Alice, you look like the ugliest girl in Toronto!" LOVE IT!

So, the plot of the movie was so ridiculously silly, apparently Alice needed to stop the vampires who were running the company she was working for. And all around the office the vampires were spacey and had iv bags full of blood for them to "eat" during the day. This was definitely the most B-movie I have ever seen.

But the scene where Alice was dancing the KHR's character in the club was hot, hot, hot!

So what is the rating? (out of 10)
I have to give this movie credit. It is a totally indie film made by Canadian film makers and it takes place in Toronto. I give it a 5 because it sure tried.

If you want to watch something silly, watch The Death of Alice Blue.

The Broken

So what is this one about?
Well, I rented this one because I read the description on the 'flix. Which is,

From the very first moment Gina (Lena Headey) spots a woman who looks exactly like her driving down a busy London street, reality ceases to exist as she knows it. Tailing her doppelganger, Gina finds herself immersed in a surreal landscape of mind-bending nightmares and inexplicable events. Written and directed by Sean Ellis, this disturbing tale also stars Richard Jenkins and Asier Newman.

And how much did I pay to watch?
Again, I rented it on the flix, and I wasn't watching many movies, so probably way more than I should have, or would have at blockbuster, or what it was worth.

And what did I think?
Man, if this wasn't the biggest disappointment, I dunno what is! There was no explanation for what was happening in the movie. None. Now, I'm not such a dumb movie watcher that everything needs to be explained to me. But at least in Mirrors there was some explanation for what was going on.

Why do I compare this movie to Mirrors? Well, let me tell you. There was one scene in the movie that was shot for shot exactly the same as the one with Amy Smart in the bath tub in Mirrors.Honestly, it wasn't even a scary movie! I wasn't nervous, uncomfortable, or worried. I was sort of confused and sort of bored. A fairly boring combination for a horror movie.

Lena Hadley is very beautiful though and this movie did have British accents which are always good for a point or two.

So what is the rating? (out of 10)
The Broken gets a 3. And as I said in my netflix review,

"This was like Mirrors the UK version. Don't bother."

[REC]

So what is this one about?
Well, I didn't really know what it was about when I rented it. I had seen ads for Quarantine and was interested in seeing it. Something about people being quarantined in a building in some city for some reason they didn't know. And I think it was about number 3 in my netflix queue.

Then brother Jack came and told me that the Cabinet of Dr. Calagari was rated number one in the horror movie section in the best of rotten tomatoes. He had said that he would have to rent CoDC and I told him he should. We then looked at the list to see what other movies I had seen. Jack asked if I had seen [REC]--which of course I hadn't. He then went and watched it and said it was awesome. So, I put it at the top of my queue. But I still didn't really know what it was about.

After seeing the movie, and then reading what netflix says, I am glad I didn't know before I watched it. It made the movie was more scary that way. And thus, I will not give you the official description. But, if you are curious, it is easy to find. But you should watch it without knowing what it is about. That is my recommendation.

And how much did I pay to watch?
$1.88 from the netflix. And if I could find this at Target (which will like never happen because it is foreign--Spanish) I would buy it in .09 seconds.

And what did I think?
Hot damn! This one totally deserves to be on the best of in the horror movie section. (I am also 100% glad that The Descent is in the best of list too. In fact, these two films remind me of each other and were scary in the same way). It is one of the few movies I have seen in the past 5 years or so that were so scary that I involuntarily covered my eyes with my hands or actually wanted to turn the movie off! Now, I know some people don't like to be scared, but by god I love it! But sometimes when I am watching these movies alone in my room at night, I want to turn a real scary one off so I don't have nightmares, because I know I very well could.

The movie started out slowly, as if to lull you into a very false sense of security, then it starts to pick up speed and you begin to feel uneasy, then it sucker punches you in the gut and maintains that intensity until the end where you feel so uneasy that you may think of just turning the whole thing off until morning. And the sucker punch scene I alluded to? It was so gd scary and unexpected that I literally had to catch my breath once it had happened. And at the end, I really did consider turning it off. I didn't want to watch it because i was really that scared that i wouldn't be able to sleep.

All of this just cements the fact that it is one of the best horror movies I have seen.

So what is the rating? (out of 10)
Rent it. Well, rent it only if you like horror movies. If you like horror movies, rent it. Immediately.

10.

Orphan

So what is this one about?
Netflix tells us,

Picking up the pieces after their baby's tragic death, the Colemans -- Kate (Vera Farmiga) and John (Peter Sarsgaard) -- adopt 9-year-old Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman) from an orphanage, but it doesn't take long for Kate to see through Esther's angelic façade. When John brushes aside Kate's paranoid suspicions, Esther wreaks havoc on the world around her in this chilling tale from director Jaume Collet-Serra.

Now, if you've seen the preview, you know that crazy, angelic little Esther is like the demon spawn and tries to kill like everyone in the house. AWESOME! I'm buying it... aren't you?

And how much did I pay to watch?
Well, this is another one I saw at good ol' Cinema DeLux, so something like 10 bucks. But you wanna know the better part?? Oh, I will tell you.

I invited Steven to see this with me. Now, Steven knows that I like rather, um, esoteric(?) movies. So, in the vein of the Children Underground (which is one of the most amazing documentaries I've ever seen, btw) Steven assumed that a movie called Orphan was prolly just another documentary about orphans. Well, as you can see, it wasn't.

But Steven didn't know this, because he'd just gotten back from Europe and hadn't heard of it. And when we were sitting in the theatre, after we'd already paid and all that, and I said I was excited about the sweet horror movie we were about to see. And Steven was like "Um, this is a horror movie?!?!" and I was like "yeah" and he started to look really nervous. Turns out that he doesn't watch horror movies at all and clearly had no idea that this was a horror movie. So I felt both really bad that he didn't know and guilty that I had taken him and wildly amused to see him cower in fear about a crazy movie that I knew the spoiler/twist for. I knew the plot was hilarious, but he was still scurred.

Sorry Steven!!

And what did I think?
"There's something wrong with Esther"

You ain't wrong about that.

Ok, so Christine and I saw a preview for this one back in who knows when. I thought it looked pretty cool, and Mel said every scary movie takes place in Connecticut. I mean, I guess it wasn't "pretty cool" but it looked cool enough. I like shitty horror movies enough to see them all the time.

Then I stumbled upon the Videogum Search for the Worst Movie of All Time blog-dealy when I was "working" at work. And then I looked at the rest of the videogum website and I found this entry...which said

P.S. There is a possible real SPOILER ALERT here of what the wrong thing about Esther is that you need to keep secret, and DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT THIS POSSIBLY REAL SPOILER ALERT IS HILARIOUS. OK, if you're still reading: it is hilarious.

And if I wasn't so damned curious I wouldn't have looked. But the spoiler made me want to see the movie even more than when I had just seen the preview! So, because of my excitement about the SPOILER, I don't feel bad telling you the spoiler. Which is...

27. Jaycee Banks - July 6, 2009 8:43 PM

I know what's wrong with Esther.
SPOILER ALERT! DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW!
She is really a 33-year-old woman who was born with proportional dwarfism which causes her to have the appearance of a child. She also happens to be a former prostitute, who had wealthy paedophiles for clients. The reason why she has her neck covered is because she was once in asylum and she struggled so much in her straitjacket that it left with her deep scars on her neck.

Are you for effing REAL!???!?! Oh, let me tell you, they weren't kidding!

This "twist" might make this horror movie one of the most surprisingly best ones I have ever seen!

The rest of the movie, other than the twist, was fairly predictable. And poor, poor, Peter Sarsgaard. You are a good actor!! How did this end up happening to you?!

So what is the rating? (out of 10)

Ok, so as I've babbled on and on about how amazingly innovative and fresh the twist was, this movie gets serious points for having something new as a horror movie twist.

Add to that, the hotness of Peter Sarsgaard and the serious hilarity of sitting next to Steven who looked like he was going to jump out of his skin the entire time and you have a super fun movie going experience!

This gets a 7 for its fun, hilariousness.

PS. No seriously, aren't you impressed with that spoiler?! Seriously. Be serious.

Drag Me to Hell

So what is this one about?
Well, Netflix tells us

After denying a woman the extension she needs to keep her home, loan officer Christine Brown (Alison Lohman) sees her once-promising life take a startling turn for the worse. Christine is convinced she's been cursed by a Gypsy, but her boyfriend (Justin Long) is skeptical. Now, her only hope seems to lie in a psychic (Dileep Rao) who claims he can help her lift the curse and keep her soul from being dragged straight to hell.

Of course the "bad guy" is a gypsy (why is that word capitalized in the description??). And really, how many gypsies are there in California. Be serious.

And how much did I pay to watch?
Well, Christine and I went to go see this sometime in JUNE (jesus, movie backlog!!) at Cinema De Lux (did you know that is a chain of theatres? well it is!) I think we saw it during the day, and I think they made us have reserved seats, which leads me to beleive we were in the "Director's Hall" which would mean we payed some insane ammount. Prolly like $12-$14. Maybe less, but I can't really remember.

And what did I think?
Well, one thing I really like about Christine is that she will watch shitty, shitty, horror movies with me. Its totally awesome!!

And one thing the netflix description neglects to mention is that the film is "written and directed by Sam Raimi, with a screenplay by Sam Raimi and Ivan Raimi." Now, you also may know that "Raimi wrote Drag Me to Hell before he had worked on the Spider-Man films and was his first horror film since directing the Evil Dead films." Or, likely you don't. But, I am sure you remember that Evil Dead is 100% ridiculous. And Drag Me to Hell was sort of as ridiculous as Evil Dead. (Also, Dead Alive, ah, Peter Jackson...which is also very, very, very ridiulous.) Part of DMtH were so bizarre that I didn't know wether they were intended to be scary or funny.

You know what I mean, the whole thing was kind of campy. Frankly, one of the only things I really remember from the movie was how gross the gypsy woman was. At one point I think she hacks up a big loogie and we see it on the screen. Narstay!

I will say, I was suprised by the ending, but Christine seemed to know it all along. I thought she was wrong, but I guess that was me.

So what is the rating? (out of 10)
Drag Me to Hell was entertaining enough to watch once. I will not be running out to buy this, but then again, what crappy horror movies am I really rushing out to buy anyway?

7.

Play Misty for Me

So what is this one about?

The beloved Netflix* tells us,

Silver-tongued radio disc jockey Dave (Clint Eastwood) can't help but notice the persistent calls from a female to "play 'Misty' for me." But when a chance meeting with infatuated fan Evelyn leads to a brief and steamy love affair, Dave quickly learns he's in for more than a little night music. Evelyn will stop at nothing -- even the return of one of Dave's old flames -- to have him all to herself. The film marks Eastwood's directorial debut.

Sweet, ain’t nothing I love more than one of those woman scorned/stalker psycho movies! (see Fatal Attraction, Swim Fan—especially good, The Crush, etc. And don’t forget that bizarre variant, the man scorned/ stalker psycho, see Fear)

*did you know that Microsoft Word recognizes Netflix as a proper noun and capitalizes it? Well it does!!

And how much did I pay to watch?

Gah! I think when I watched this I was also watching In Treatment, so maybe less because there was some serious disc shuffling. But, maybe I paid $16.99 (per month) Who knows?

And what did I think?

Well, if you didn’t know (I don’t know how that would be possible) I love Gran Torino. Kudos to Clint and all his amazingness! Then I watched The Changeling, which was also another awesome Clint movie. After that I decided to add a ton of Eastwood movies to my Netflix queue. This was one of them, I thought it sounded the most fun. Plus, it wasn’t a western, and it was his directorial debut. Well, let me tell you two things.

1) Clint Eastwood was a serious hottie when he was younger.

2) His directing skillz have VASTLY improved since his first days. And thank heavens for that!!

Play Misty for Me was so ridiculous I couldn’t believe it at times. It is funny when I watch a movie alone (which is where I watch most of them…you know, so I don’t get distracted by outside stimuli) and I laugh out loud at parts that aren’t even supposed to be funny.

I truly don’t know what Clint was thinking with this one. There is a lot of potential with the story—as we’ve seen in other movies—and the acting wasn’t horrible… Clint was good, the person who played crazy Evelyn was goodish, and the person who played his girlfriend was a little/lot annoying. But, the actual direction of visual shots and the addition of music was so irritating there were multiple times I almost (or did I?) fast forwarded through the visual/audio vomit I was experiencing.

What is that you’re saying? You don’t understand what I’m talking about since you haven’t seen this movie? I will give you an example, taken straight from Wikipedia. “The film features a romantic montage backed by Roberta Flack's recording of "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face."” And when you follow that link over to the song wikipage you learn that the flipping song is 5:22 long. JESUS. Is that really necessary?? A five minute+ long montage where two characters are making out/doing it in the forest? I will answer for you. The answer is NO. Never is that sort of thing ok. Well, maybe in a porno, but that would be a different blog all together.

Another example? Sure. Wikipedia says “It is also notable for its use of location shooting, mostly in the area of Carmel-by-the-Sea, California, where Eastwood has long made his home, and where he was elected Mayor in 1986. Additional scenes were shot at the Monterey Jazz Festival in September 1970, featuring jazz greats Johnny Otis, Cannonball Adderley, and future Weather Report founder Joe Zawinul.” All those location shots were overly long and romantical. Soft focus and all that shit. And good god, if there is one thing I hate in movies (even in movies I like, like the Sound of Music) it is flipping soft focus!! So, add up the overly long shots of boring scenery that adds nothing to the plot and the ridiculous use of crappy music and you’ve got a movie that Julia did not like!

So what is the rating? (out of 10)

Even Clint couldn’t save this silly movie from ending up in the bottom part of my scale. I will give it a 4, because even though it wasn’t even passable as a halfway movie, it did have Clint.

I swear. *shakes head*

One Missed Call

So what is this one about?
Netflix tells us,

Cell-phone messages describing victims' last moments on earth are the only links connecting a string of deaths in this supernatural chiller. When two of her friends die after receiving such calls, college coed Beth Raymond (Shannyn Sossamon) contacts the police, who dismiss her story -- with the exception of Det. Jack Andrews (Edward Burns). The two team up to solve the mystery, but when Beth's phone rings with an eerie refrain, is her number up?

Gee, how original.

And how much did I pay to watch?
Nothing, because I watched it as an On Demand movie on one of the "premium subscription" channels. Maybe Cinemax? Who knows, who cares.

And what did I think?
"What will it sound like when you die?" Probably just like every other Japanese movie remake that came before. In fact, when I was done watching it I had to go to netflix and see if this one was a remake of a movie I had already seen a few years ago called Phone. Turns out it is a remake, but of a film called One Missed Call (duh).

The plot was pithy (shocker) but there were suspenseful parts. I didn't really care what happened to any of the characters. But, lets be serious. The only reason I watch stupid horror movies is on the off chance I might find an actual scary one. This one wasn't really. But, I was still entertained enough.

So what is the rating? (out of 10)
It gets a 4.

Black Christmas (1974)

So what is this one about?
I didn't even know this movie existed until I read about it on the Toronto livejournal group, here. (Yes friends, there are still people who who use livejournal, hahahaha) Then after learning it took place in Toronto I added it to my netflix queue. The description is,

Terror reigns inside a sorority house a few days before Christmas break as a series of menacing phone calls -- and the discovery of a dead girl's body -- transform yuletide cheer into fear. Margot Kidder, Olivia Hussey and Andrea Martin ("SCTV") co-star as just a few of the petrified sisters at the mercy of an unseen stalker in this 1970s horror gem from director Robert Clark, who told a much happier holiday tale with his 1983 classic, A Christmas Story.

tah freaking dah.

And how much did I pay to watch?
Well, I got it on netflix, and this month I am averaging $2.83/movie. Yikes.

And what did I think?
Oh, Canaduh. I couldn't understand a damn word the killer was saying. I mean, come on! I guess that made it a little scarier when he called on the phone, because I was straining to hear, but all I heard were gurgles, screams, a scary voice, and completely unintelligible words. The film makers did a great job at those phonecalls. For sure.

But, despite not really understanding what was being said on the phone (AND the terribly annoying accent of the main character...apparently she is Argentinian) I am going to tell you, the end of the movie was pretty suspenseful, it made me real uncomfortable...a little scared even. Can you imagine?! A scary horror movie. It also demonstrated the ridiculousity of the Canadian police force in the 1970s. har.

What I don't understand about Canadian movies is this: why do they never admit they were made in Canada? Anyone who knows Toronto can tell that Land of the Dead was filmed in Toronto! Same goes for Hairspray! And Black Christmas, jesus, can you possibly have more actors with Canadian accents and timbers? (I say timber because good lord, in Toronto I heard people who had the exact same voice as others, I am convinced Canadians talk in the same way) So, if it is filmed in Canada, and maybe even at the University of Toronto (holler, alumni!), AND it doesn't mean anything to the story where the movie takes place, with the exception of it taking place in a town with a University, then WHY, WHY, WHY were there American flags in the police station? Why couldn't there have been Canadian flags?! OR, why did there have to be flags in the first place?! They never said what city it took place in, so why couldn't the filmmakers make it as ambiguous as possible? Do Canadian film makers really think that Americans can't relate to a film if it doens't take place in America? I mean, we all liked The Pianist, and Schlindler's List, and Saving Private Ryan, and Dr. Zhivago, and Lost in Translation, and Life is Beautiful (AND THAT ONE WASN'T EVEN IN ENGLISH!!!!!) I don't beleive that Americans are so stupid that they can't relate to a movie that takes place in Canada.

Overall it was pretty good. The new point of view that never showed the killer but allowed the audience to see through his (I assume it was a he) eyes. Apparently, from the extra features, that was very revolutionary at the time. And I suppose it did make me interested to see the remake, since it didn't take place in good ol' T-dot.

So what is the rating? (out of 10)
It was sufficient. A little scary, a little stupid, and a little Toronto as a backdrop makes a sufficient movie watching experience for me.

Black Christmas (1974) gets a 6.

The Tattooist

So what is this one about?
Netflix is tricky. I mean, it is awesome...but tricky.

Because when I read this After swiping an ancient Samoan tattoo tool from a Singapore trade show, American tattoo artist Jake Sawyer (Jason Behr) flies to New Zealand, where he meets up with the lovely Sina (Mia Blake) and discovers the local Samoan culture. But when his stolen tool ends up unleashing an evil avenging spirit, Sina is imperiled, and it's up to Jake to save the day. This New Zealand horror extravaganza features gorgeous scenery of exotic locales.

I thought to myself, yeah, that sounds good.

Well, good job Netflix, for tricking me once again!

And how much did I pay to watch?
Well, I am much too lazy to figure out how much this one cost, but I would imagine it was a lot, since I've watched like 5 discs in a month. Yikes!

And what did I think?
Well, like I already said, Netflix tricked me. I thought, NEW ZEALAND!! Heck yes!! Alas, the accents were unintelligible (beyond what the normal NZ accent is) and the locales were not exotic or beautiful. Grumblies.

I suppose it is my own fault. Reading the description makes the movie sound just so awful! And it was. The story was so daft, and elementary and just plain old dumb. Wanna know the secret? The ink of the tattoos that the main character gave attacked the people and they died. And it was awesome when they died because they bled both blood and ink.

Now, when I watched Tony Bourdain's No Reservations: Malaysia I learned that some of the stuff that was addressed in The Tattooist is accurate because there is some sort of pride and meaning behind tattoos. They aren't all just names of your current boyfriend. I guess maybe if I had been more into tattoos and the art and history behind it maybe this movie would have been better.

But probably not.

So what is the rating? (out of 10)
The Tattooist was awful. I mean, yes, the two main characters weren't hideous to look at, but the story was so incredibly lame.

This one gets a 3.

Shutter

So what is this one about?
My wittle Netflix friend tells me,

This American remake of a Thai horror blockbuster follows the Shaws, a young newlywed couple who become haunted by strange shadowlike images in the photographs they develop after their involvement in a car accident. As more terrifying supernatural occurrences befall them, they begin to wonder whether the photographic ghosts are connected to the accident -- and to question whether they can survive learning the truth.

But, mostly I just rented it because I was curious to know what the heck was going on in the commercials I saw for this one on the FIOS network channels.

And how much did I pay to watch?
Yikeso-rikeso! I know I haven't been watching many movies in the last 30 days, but after checking my account I learned I have only gotten out 6 discs in the last month. That means it cost $2.83 for this one. I think that is the highest price I've ever paid.

And what did I think?
Good God Almighty. Joshua Jackson is one hot ass mother. I mean, on Dawson's Creek, lets face it, we all wanted Joey and Pacey to get together because Pacey's chemistry with any woman is explosive. I mean, he is just so hot. Not just hot though, but sexy too--and sexy is a word I absolutely hate, I actually save it for people who are. He is just so intense and emotes so well, he is just so sincere and romantic all the time! (Or, at least the things I've seen him in) And while is isn't unattractive, he is no Leonardo DiCaprio. But I am just so attracted to him. (God, I sound like a total pyscho!) But seriously, lets look at him.
mmmmmmmhmm. Hot hot hot.

The lady in the movie was totally hot too. Distractingly hot. You know the type. Oh, and she is Australian...big shocker.

The other thing I really liked about this movie was the focus on photography. It was like photographer porn to watch hot hot Joshua Jackson take beautiful photographs.

Then, the thing that saves the movie from being typical and dull was the fact *SPOILER ALERT* that the main character was actually a bad guy. I mean, it was sort of obvious that that was the direction the plot was going to take, but it was still reassuring, especially because his wife was so horrified by him.

Oh yeah, and David Denman (aka: Roy from The Office) was in it, and who doesn't like to see Office folks out of their office environment?

So what is the rating? (out of 10)
I mean, it was pretty basic. It wasn't that scary, but it was REALLY pretty visually. I mean, pretty, pretty, pretty. And the actors were beautiful, especially Josh Jackson. I think probably I'd watch anything he was in...though I haven't watched Fringe (thats the name of the show, right?). Lets face it, I only have time for TV on dvd, The Office, and Mad Men. I cannot be distracted.

Anyway...that was rather tangential, right?...I give the movie a 7.5...if only for JJ's hotness.

Mirrors

So what is this one about?
Once again Netflix helps me with the description. They say,

This creepy supernatural thriller from director Alexandre Aja stars Kiefer Sutherland as troubled security guard Ben Carson, who discovers malevolent spirits living within the mirrors of a fire-ravaged department store. When their murderous nature comes to light, Ben turns to his estranged wife (Paula Patton) to help him save their family -- and himself. The supporting cast includes Amy Smart and Jason Flemyng.

So, there you go.

And how much did I pay to watch?
It cost $10.25. I made a mental note to remember how much it cost, since I seem to forget how much every movie I see in the theatre costs. Whoops.

And what did I think?
Well, I guess I am a sucker for horror movies. Most previews that look even somewhat scary I will see. Now, I may not see them in the theatre, but I will see them sometime (like Prom Night, the Strangers, Wind Chill, etc). I saw this one in the theatre because I was sick of being at home bored out of my mind all the time. (Which I suppose happens when you don't have a job or any prospects...)

So anyway, this was better and worse than I thought it would be. Worse because it was kind of confusing, but better because it seemed well thought out and thorough, like it wasn't just some shit that a 21 year old slapped together.

I was never really scared, and I can't remember that there was much build up of suspense--in fact, now that I think about it I think the preview may have been scarier than the actual movie--but some of the scenes with the killings were awesome! So I've got to give those credit.

I've also got to give lots of credit to the filmmakers for the end of the movie. I liked the ending. Kudos on not making it a perfectly happy ending. In fact, it wasn't really that happy at all, and as we all know, I love it when that happens.

Lastly, the acting was pretty good, and the actors were good. Amy Smart and, of course, Kiefer Sutherland were in it. Also, Jen's grandmother from Dawson's Creek was in it. AWESOME!

So what is the rating? (out of 10)
Well, it was fine. Entertaining enough, the sets were pretty, the deaths were awesome, and the movie wasn't completely brain dead. For a modern horror movie I feel like this is all I could hope to expect.

It was definitely average, but I will give it a 6, because it was better than I expected.