Mission: Impossible III

So what is this one about?
Netflix tells us

Helmed by J.J. Abrams, the third entry in the explosive espionage series finds semiretired superspy Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) forced back into action to save his protégé, Lindsey Ferris (Keri Russell). To checkmate her investigation, badass arms dealer Owen Davian (Philip Seymour Hoffman) abducts Lindsey, sending Ethan and his crack field team to Berlin on a rescue mission. Meanwhile, Ethan's agency superiors may be double-dealing their operatives.

And how much did I pay to watch?
Nothing! I watched this at Mel's and the dvd belonged to her roommate. Huzzah!

And what did I think?
Um, what did I think? I mean, this movie wasn't all that good. Actually, it was about what I expected. But I will tell you one goddamned thing...Johnathan Rhys Meyers is so flipping hot, and his natural accent is so fabulously cute I didn't know what to do with myself when he was on the screen. I watch a lot of Rhys Meyer on The Tudors (even though it isn't such a good show, I pretty much love him...) and I have become quite a big fan of him. He is cute as a Brit, but man, with his natural accent...I don't even know what to do with myself!!

I also absolutely love Phillip Semyour Hoffman (PSH) so, anything with him is a-ok with me.

Also, this was supposed to take place in Virginia (sic semper tyrannis, bitches!) and the female love interest was named Julia. Ta-freaking-dah, right?!

Also Keri Russell was in it, and she is pretty great too.

Lets face it, sometimes my movie reviews are not insightful... *eye candy*

So what is the rating? (out of 10)
So, if you want a typical action movie tailored to Julia's specifications with hot boys, great actors (not Tom Cruise...PSH), super locations and pretty/talented ladies, I suppose you could do worse than MI3. I give it a 6.

The Tudors: Season 2

So what is this one about?
Remember that song from elementary school? "I'm 'Enery the Eighth I am I am, I'm 'Enery the eighth I ammmm, I was married to the widow next door, she's been married seven times before, and all the kids say 'Enery, 'Enery, 'Enery the Eighth I ammmm" Yeah, remember that? Well, this is sort of like that. Except a little different.

Netflix tells us,

Hollywood icon Peter O'Toole joins the cast for a second season of the hit Showtime series. After King Henry VIII (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) secretly has his marriage to Katherine (Maria Doyle Kennedy) declared invalid and weds Anne Boleyn (Natalie Dormer), Pope Paul III (O'Toole) moves to excommunicate the king. Meanwhile, some of Henry's old friends and allies fall out of favor. The critically acclaimed drama co-stars Jeremy Northam.

Oh yeah, also, [NOT A SPOILER] Anne Boleyn gets hers. Thats what you get man! (sic semper tyrannis, bitches!)

And how much did I pay to watch?
Well, I gots this shit on the 'flix. It is four discs. According to my history I actually got nine discs this month (is that possible? I've been so lazy lately with the movies...) so they each cost $1.88 (woah) and then times 4 is $7.55 total. Certainly cheaper than giving my money to Showtime by buying the discs, AND more reliable than watching it on the internet (since I always feel like the internet is trying to trick me and will mess up the episode order or something. I think that makes me paranoid.)

And what did I think?
What did I think? I think "Ooooooh, look at me, I'm Jonathan Rhys Meyer. I'm a good actor because I can yell a lot. I played Henry VIII who was clearly weak minded and could be influenced at the slightest change of will, or the drop of a hat." That Henry, man, I keep looking at wikipedia to see if anyone adds anything about him being bipolar or something. He was ridiculous!

And Anne Boelyn, I spoke last season of how she was pretty much the worst person ever. This didn't really change with the second season, however, you did feel a little bad for her in the season finale, if only because she acepted her death, even though she had truly done nothing wrong. It was hilarious [spoiler] that the only person who actually did have carnal knowledge of her was not sentanced to death. Hilarious.

And that Jane Seymour...seriously, who was that bitch fooling?? She wasn't that innocent. Bitch please.

But other than the weird characters, I found this season much less annoying than last season. Maybe it was because I knew what to expect, or maybe I had just become desensitized, but it seemed like there was less gratutious sex in this season. Which I thought was good. I mean, since Jane Seymour was so "innocent" she certainly wasn't going to do it with him. suckah.

The historical stuff was a little less interesting (no sweating sickness, not really using leeches to "heal" people), what with the reformation and such, but I still found myself looking at wikipedia a lot to get more historical information. This season also took place over a much shorter span of years (it was odd to see Princess Mary age so rapidly when Henry barely aged at all) so it was a little less odd to see the passage of time. Or not. (see above).

I am very interested to see what happens in Season 3 (are they even making a season 3?) if only because it is very interesting to see history unfold--even if it is a total lie. Because lets face it, I am a history nerd who likes movies.

One thing I do have to say about this stupid ass show was that the bonus features were the suckiest thing ever! I mean, there was this segment where Natalie Dormer (who plays Anne Boleyn) went to see where Anne was kept in the Tower of London, was beheaded, and was buried. She then proceeded to go on and on about how brave and amazing Anne Boleyn was. Get over it. Come on.

OH! I just remembered something that was awesome about this season...there were more gay men. And one of them was Anne Boleyn's brother!!! SCAN-DAL!

So what is the rating? (out of 10)
It was good. Amusing for sure, and I didn't find it nearly as irritating as Season 1. I gave it a 4 on the 'flix so I will give it a 7.5 here.

The Tudors: Season 1

So what is this one about?
Unsusprisingly, Showtime's website is worthless for a description of the entire show. Seriously though, what did I expect? I had to turn to my beloved Netflix for a proper description. They say,

This superb and visually lush Showtime series provides a look at the world of the Tudors in the days when King Henry VIII (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers) was a handsome, charming, athletic 25-year-old. Inheriting absolute power at a young age, the king indulges his voracious taste for ladies-in-waiting, hangs out with his entourage of young nobles and makes momentous political decisions. The stellar cast includes Jeremy Northam and Sam Neill.

I don't know about all that, but I will give them this, it is visually lush.

And how much did I pay to watch?
Welp, since I've been working a bunch, and therefore going to bed sickeningly early, I haven't been watching as much. Therefore the movies I do get cost more on Netflix. In the case of the a tv show with four discs it not only takes me a long time to watch, but it costs more. The cost per disc was $1.69, so with four discs it cost me $6.79.

And what did I think?
First, man, Showtime sucks! Showtime wishes so much that it were HBO. HBO is like what god makes compared to Showtime. Showtime is like what the dog chewed and then vomited back up. Showtime attempts to cover up that they have poor writing and poor acting by making everything really sex-y. And I don't mean sexy, I mean, like sex sex sex porn-tastic. Now, granted, I have really only seen The L Word and The Tudors, but I feel like I am watching really soft-core porn. Not that I have a problem with it, really--I mean, I am not offended or anything. Its just that it seems like they put it in when it is entirely unnecessary to distract from the weak points of the shows otherwise. Like, when the first scene in the entire series was Henry VIII doin' some maiden from behind. I mean, is that really necessary? Or is it really what Showtime wants viewers to think of immediately? It probably is. Lame. Showtime is lame. HBO forever!!

With that editorializing out of the way I can actually talk about the show. I sort of hate all the main characters on the show. Anne Boelyn and Henry, man, I want nothing but bad things to happen to them. Now, Catherine of Aragon and Cardinal Woolsey, I want nothing but good things to happen to them. The fact that the other characters make things suck for the ones I like makes me hate them even more! And it seems ridiculous to call the characters, well, characters, because they are real people from history! And I was very sad, like, suprisingly sad, when SPOILER ALERT...they killed Cardinal Woolsey. Assholes.

Man, I was so glad when they added some gayness to the show. I got an inkling, and I thought to myself, "self, you know what would make this mildly pornographic show even better? Some gay characters getting it on with eachother!" then lo and behold. GAY!!! God, I was so excited.

But then, the episode where my fave gay character died was so sad. But it was awesome, because I got to learn about "the sweating sickness" which was wild, and I knew nothing about because I don't do ancient, or imperial history of any sort. Hah.

Oh yeah, and everyone on the show is oddly unattractive. I would classify it as sexy ugly. Or, well, they aren't like classicly attractive, but they are sort of mesmerizing.

Oh the one gay guy is kind of attractive. But, well, then he died. Damn.

Also, Johnathan Rhys Meyer is freaky deaky. He has zombie eyes, "milky blue eyes...you know, its not really the eyes that make them look all cloudy, it's actually tiny dust scratches on the surface, thousands of them, because Zack [Army slang for zombie] doesn't make any tears"(World War Z, page 278) like many others, namely Flyer's goalie Martin Biron, but JRM is odd additionally. Its like, because he has a shaved head he looks like a maniac! It is bizarre.

Now, I've been so self-obsessed for long enough that I understand my eyes can border on zombatic (thats my new word...meaning, zombie like; having zombie qualities) as well. As evidenced below, but luckily for me it really depends on the light and the colors surrounding me. (Interestingly enough, and getting WAY off topic, my eyes always look completely void of color at the place where I get my hair cut)

OFFFFFFF TOPIC!!

So what is the rating? (out of 10)
It is really annoying, because as I write this I have lots of complaints about the show, but it was really mesmerizing and I did always run to the mailbox to get the new disc when it arrived.

Those tricky assholes at showtime. I did the same thing with The L Word. I didn't really like it, and I found some of the characters absolutely miserable. I mean horrible, and I wanted only bad things to happen to them. And then I feel the same way about the Tudors, but I am dying to see what happens in Season 2, even though I know from history that Anne Boelyn bites it--TAKE THIS BEYATCH--but I am dying to see how they treat it.

Damn jerks, I give your stupid show a 7. I want to give it an 8, but I'll stick with a seven for now.